User:2401 PT/Ninja Pirate



Ninja Pirates are widely considered to be the most dangerous life forms in existence, a hybrid between the already powerful Ninjas and Pirates. As opposed to many urban legends, a Ninja pirate is not a mammal at all, but is really an igneous rock formation given sentience by a fusion of magic and technology called Funk.

The Origins of the Paradox
A ninja pirate is the ultimate paradox, because ninjas and pirates do not get along. In fact, the two are basically fighting all the time. Nobody has actually seen a real fight between a ninja and a pirate because the sheer force the two unleashed powers kills anybody within a 100 mile radius. With all this animosity, many people have wondered, "How exactly do a ninja and pirate mate to produce a ninja pirate?" Well, they don't, because pirates and ninjas are mortal enemies.

However, there have been rumors that small groups of isolated ninjas or pirates have grown so out of touch that they have lost their hate for each other. Speculation has arisen that meetings between these denatured Ninjas and Pirates may have produced a new breed of Ninja Pirates, the 100% organic Ninja Pirate, which some say is capable of killing every living creature in the omniverse multiple times (due to time paradoxes), except other natural Ninja Pirates. Some claim that this new strain of Ninja Pirates is currently spreading across the planet in preparation for an unknown action... But who knows?

Ninja pirates were produced synthetically by scientists in a laboratory by combining ninja DNA with pirate DNA. The scientists had to employ a crack team of five hundred Jedi and eight hundred robots to contain the developing ninja pirates and keep them from flipping out, killing everybody, pillaging the lab and stealing all their shit. Even after so many precautions, all of the experiments failed, and each ninja pirate fetus was able to single-handedly kill all five hundred Jedi and destroy all eight hundred robots while still in the amniotic sac. Without the Jedi and Robots the Ninja Pirates died, however.

Some Scienticians speculate that wild Ninja Pirates can be made when Ninja playing a game of soggy biscuit are interrupted by a Pirate raid. The sudden panic of the Ninja can cause them to shoot their stealthy Ninja load, which will automatically seek out the nearest viable womb, i.e. that of the closest female pirate. Rather than semen entering the womb the ovule will defend its territory against the sperm. Occasionally the aggravated ovum will slip off the cherry and fall to the floor, where it is fertilised by the ninja semen. The fertilised cell would then have to be harvested by Digipatd or another such surrogate mother.

Where Are They Now?
There are currently half a dozen ninja pirates roaming free in the universe. They are so elusive that the CIA has been unable to even invent a lie about their whereabouts. It is probably only a matter of time before they kill us all and every other form of life in existence.

One comfort, however, is that they cannot reproduce. Because the ninja pirates are hybrids, they are sterile, like mules. This has caused some to falsely hope that all the ninja pirates will die of old age and we will be spared. This will not happen since ninja pirates are actually immortal.

Some thinkers have devised another possible way of developing a ninja pirate, though no one has ever been crazy enough to attempt it. Perhaps if you managed to breed or capture a pure ninja, cause him to have amnesia, and then enlist him on a pirate crew without the crew knowing that he is actually a ninja, then a natural breeding could occur. However, so many things could potentially go wrong with this plan that it is actually considered an elaborate form of suicide.

Known Ninja Pirates
Other than Leah Greene, the only ever known ninja pirate was Vin Diesel. Investigators began to be suspicious that he was a ninja pirate when they looked into how he did his own stunts. Diesel tried to convince the public that he wasn't really a ninja pirate by making a pussy movie called The Pacifier, but it was already too late. Embarrassed by tabloid news stories, Vin Diesel decided to publicly admit that he was a ninja pirate. This apparently made the ninja pirates mad, because they killed him sometime in the next two minutes. Nobody knows how they did so, as Diesel's body was never found.

Some belive that all members of the B-52's were Ninja pirates but this has never been confirmed as big hair isn't the best choice.

There is also the elusive Ninja pirate known only as Noodle who has roamed the universe for many centuries. He is one of the very few natural Ninja Pirates, and has been known to spend time under the assumed name "Seb Watts".

Leah Greene is the most feared Ninja-Pirate of them all. When challenged by Ms. Greene (Aka Ivy Crunch), Vin Diesel replied with "I don't think so."

Frequently Asked Questions
Very little is known about ninja pirates, so people have a lot of misconceptions about them. Below are a few of the frequently asked questions about ninja pirates.

Do ninja pirates have a parrot?
 * Yes, but not the kind of parrot people normally think of. Normal parrots are too flamboyantly colored and loud to serve the ninja needs of the ninja pirate.  It would totally wreck a ninja pirates cover to have some obnoxious bird squawk and shout something stupid like, "Polly wants a cracker!"  Instead, ninja pirates use a ninja parrot, often called a raven. Nighthawks are also common choices for Ninja Pirates.

Do ninja pirates ride around in boats to pillage?
 * No way, boats are soo 19th Century. Boats are way too obvious, you can see them as far as the horizon when they're coming in to plunder.  Instead, when ninja pirates need to plunder from the sea, they use submarines, which are way more sweet and stealthy.  Ninja pirates are also known to fancy Star Destroyers with invisibility capabilities. When out on the sea, Ninja Pirates like to shack up in their cozy dojo-frigates, meditate, and practice killing the ocean with their minds. On land, they commonly use Metal Gears, M1A1 Abrahms tanks (with ray guns instead of cannons), and 18 wheelers with nuclear reactors for engines. All of them have cloaking shields.



What kind of weapons do ninja pirates use?
 * Ninja pirates are capable of using both ninja and pirate weapons, and pretty much every kind of weapon imaginable. Ninja pirates are also able to use ninja pirate weapons.  These weapons are a unique blend of a ninja and a pirate weapon.  One of example of this kind of weapon is the ninja pirate starrr.  Ninja pirates often use two swords at once.  They do so because it's really badass to begin with, and also because they are using both a pirate sword and a ninja sword.  Sometimes instead of a pirate sword they use a hook over their hand.  Hooks are also really badass, and pirates use them when they need to step up the intimidation factor.

Do ninja pirates wear an eye patch?
 * Yes. Sometimes two, because they've got such good hearing.

How is it they get their eye poked out?
 * They don't wear an eyepatch because their eyes has been poked out, they wear it because it's what normal pirates wear, or sometimes because they're sporting and want their prey to feel it has a chance, however slight, of escaping . The same is true of the hook on their hand. No ninja pirate has ever actually had his hand cut off, or been injured in any way at all. Ninja pirates are so fast, quiet, and powerful that it is impossible for them to ever get hurt.

What happens if two ninja pirates fight?
 * As far as we know, this has never happened. Nobody can tell what would happen, because of the two properties that make ninja pirates so powerful: their unavoidable, infinitely powerful attacks, and their impenetrable defense.  Nonetheless, two theories have been proposed about what would happen if two ninja pirates got into a fight.  The first theory is that they wouldn't be able to hurt each other, because both have the impenetrable defenses, and the collateral damage would eventually annihilate the universe.  The second theory is that the universe would be destroyed, because the ninja pirates infinitely powerful attacks would keep getting stronger until the forces that hold our universe together gave out. But pretty much everyone agrees that it'd mean the end of the universe.